I grew up in a Christian home, with parents who love and follow the Lord, and was in church as early as I can remember. Church was always one of the places I felt most at home. I accepted Christ when I was 7, and the conversation came from asking my mom about the Lord’s supper, how it worked, and how I could participate. I genuinely believe that I had trusted Jesus at that age, but it was about 8 more years before I really felt like I knew Jesus for myself, not just who my parents and teachers said he was.
I attended a private Christian school from prek – 12. I am very thankful for my Christian education. But between my Christian church and Christian school, I was pretty sheltered as I entered middle school. I had never experienced true, deep sorro,w and death was always at arm’s length, if not more, from me. One of the great things about my school was there was a core group of us who were there from pre-k onward, which meant we were all basically family. During the spring break of my 8th-grade year, when I was 14, one of those friends committed suicide over spring break. This was the most earth-shattering event of my young life. Death, of any kind, is always incredibly hard for a child to understand. But this kind of death – a close friend, by suicide? It was more than I could handle. I was devastated, angry, and confused. There were so many opinions – my brother, who was in 4th grade at the time (at the same school) had a classmate told him my friend couldn’t have gone to Heaven. What was I supposed to do with this information? I had no idea. I remember feeling so lost. I felt liked I had aged 10 years in a day. I also vividly, clearly remember lying face down in my bathroom and verbally calling out to God to help me. That memory is so clearly seared in my mind. It was the first time I really, truly needed God. Not just for convenience or to fit in to my parents’ expectations, but because I literally could not live another day without Him. That was a huge turning point in my life and in my faith. While I still had so much to learn, to trust, and grow, that was a clear turning point for me.
There have been so many ways that I have seen the Lord’s provision in my life from that moment on. There were so many times it would have been easy for me to fall away, but somehow, truly by the grace of God, he somehow kept my faith in him. I experienced an incredibly difficult senior year of high school, brought on partially by my own poor relationship decisions, but also experienced an abusive, traumatic breakup with someone whom I went to church with. As that person was stalking me and threatening me, my church did a poor job of addressing it. The place that had been my home was now a place I genuinely could not go because I was scared for my safety. This was right at the end of my senior year before I left for college – the fact that I ever stepped into another church building is a miracle to me, but God!
He gave me incredible friends and a community in college that healed me deeply and continued to push me closer to Him. While the death of my friend was a clear turning point for my faith, this was when I really saw my faith mature, and God began to truly sanctify me. Again – this was all God. To this day I don’t understand how I didn’t end up as far away from a church as possible. But, He was so good to me.
Today, God is more real to me than He has ever been. As an adult, I continue to see his provision in every aspect of my life. I am a planner by nature – which also makes me very prone to pretty intense anxiety. One of the things I felt God has been saying to me in the last few years is “trust me, child”. I can look back over my life and see all these memorials to his unbelievable goodness and provision in my life. When I have those moments of intense anxiety, I force myself to remember even the simplest ways God has shown his love for me. I truly believe this is the power of writing our stories – and hearing those of others in our community. We are silly, forgetful humans who will always forget and doubt God no matter how many times He has shown up for us. Our stories are essential reminders to our fickle hearts of Whose we are.
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